The Philosopher's Attempt at an Interesting Story
by labonath151
Summary: The philosopher is trying to make a best-selling novel, but he's stuck in his mom's basement and the only way to get out of annoying plot holes is "magic". Will his protagonist be 3-D? Will the plot move at all? Funny  I HOPE  parody of the first HP book!
1. Chapter 1: A Cat a Fat and a Ho Ho Ho

**Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Attempt at Making an Interesting Novel**

**A look at the magical world of Harry Potter, through the eyes of a philosopher who is trying to write a best-seller novel.**

** This is my first attempt at writing a Harry Potter parody, I hope it's successful =D So, it's just my version of what SHOULD have happened in the book Harry Potter and the Philosopher's (Sorcerer's...) Stone. I will make references to popular media etc. And I am not a real philosopher, in case you are wondering. I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER ALTHOUGH I REALLY WANT TO!**

**Chapter 1: The opening Scene Involving Me the Narrator Try to Introduce the Story Properly, With a Few Minor Protagonists Talking and Delivering a Package and Someone Dies**

**Or**

**A Cat, a Fat, and a Ho Ho Ho**

Doo do do doo, do doo, do doo, do doo, do do doo, do doo… DOO!

Well, that doesn't sounds like theme song for a sweeping, epic novel series like the one I am suddenly imagining, but that's OK, I bet they're going to make a movie series based on my novel, because I am awesome like that. Oh! I forgot to introduce myself. Well, most narrators don't introduce themselves as omniscient, but I am awesome, so I will. I am a philosopher, and I bet you don't know my name (insert winky face here). Well, the protagonist of this novel – a person named Harry Potter – pretty much walked into my head one day. And that's when I started to lose most of my sanity. Well, actually it took a lot of ingenuity to write this story – not really. I made up this takes place in a magical world, so that whenever something really ridiculous happens, I can just say "Blame it on the magic!" or, "It's just something magical!" But you don't know this.

As you can probably see, I'm really bad at introductions, considering I'm an omnipresent narrator. So I'll just start plain and simple with this line: Hello.

Yeah, not the best of lines. I'm not that good at introductions, and you can probably tell because I repeated the same thing twice. So, I guess I'll take a look at my graphic organizer… HM… OK, I need to begin with the setting… OK, sounds all good. Let me try this.

It was a dark and stormy night, not too long ago (actually, pretty long ago, like 25 years… no, 26.) when three strange characters were walking around on Privet Drive, in a small town in England. That's right, my narrative takes place In the UK – LIKE A BOSS! Well, I suppose there could be a few other reasons, but my 'BOSS' reasoning is so much better.

So, three weird people were walking along Privet Drive. One was a cat. One was a fat. And the other… I don't want to tell you. Because it's my choice. So, suddenly, out of the blue, the cat turned into a woman. Yeah, that's right. A cat turning into a woman – how stupid! I know, you are most likely thinking 'The idea of a woman turning into a cat is altogether impossible, improbable, and altogether not an intelligent type of thing to put into a best-selling novel', but I have a good excuse.

It's magic.

Anyway, after the cat turned into a human, dialogue started. Although it wasn't really dialogue because it was betwixt three people, and the prefix 'di' makes it between two people. And that's right, I just used the word betwixt (FOR THE WIN!)

"Oh, why hello there Professor McGonagall! How was your walk over here? Was it wonderful and super special awesome?" said the person of whom I don't want to speak.

"My god, man! You just made a Yu-gi-oh the Abridged Series reference! I never thought you'd master the subtle magical art of parodies, but it seems I have underestimated you," McGonagall continued. In a British accent: "GOOD ON YA MATE!"

The fat frowned, addressing me. "Mr. Narrator, doesn't McGonagall always speak in a British accent? This extensively exhaustively long and boring narrative DOES take place in England; I thought it was just a given."

(Oh, Hagrid. What a stupid person. Yeah, that was Hagrid who spoke. He was a tall and fat giant guy, who stood a few feet above everyone else in a crowd. He had to wear magical shoes to make himself short enough to look normal. And there was this one time… oh sorry, I'm going off on a tangent, but I have to, this is a hilarious side story that might make my story slightly more interesting, considering the state of the narrative right now.

So, one day Hagrid was eating a cupcake and… No, it wasn't a cupcake, it was a cake. It was Dumbledore's birthday, so Hagrid had made him a cake, but he was hungry. So anyway, he was eating Dumbledore's cake when suddenly, out of the slightly pale blue, Dumbledore appeared.

'Goodness!' Dumbledore said.

'DON'T LOOK I AM NOT PROPERLY DRESSED!' yelled Hagrid.

'Hagrid, your belly size has expanded by about 20% from last time I saw you. This is outrageous, all the students are laughing at you and pnching you in the gut to force you to make that cricket-frog type noise you make sometimes. I have no choice, you must lose weight. You're going on the Biggest Loser!'

…

True, that was a pretty boring story. I hope my mommy liked it though, because she has a lot of money that she will give to me if she likes my story. That's right, I live with Mom in my basement, and sometimes we even watch TV together. We have often eaten salad at dinner, and we have also played Super Mario on my Wii. We love each other very much. OK, that makes me sound slightly psychopathic, so I will stop there and continue with the previously started dialogue.)

"Oh, shut up," said the man of whom I won't speak.

"But Dumbledore!" said Hagrid. Oh snap. Fine, the third character is Dumbledore.

"Back to business," said McGonagall. "You brought the package, Hagrid?"

Hagrid smiled and pulled a little baggy with a whitish powdery substance out of his jacket. "Yeah, I got the stuff. You got the money?"

"No, the _other_ package!" said Dumbledore in a frustrated tone, and then suddenly burst out laughing. "Remember that time you went on the Biggest Loser and that woman slapped you in the face?"

McGonagall, who had been sipping from a straw (her beverage being Nestea iced tea), suddenly burst out laughing, saliva and iced tea flying around and hitting Dumbledore squarely in the beard. After that, Dumbledore gave her a stern look and the finger wag (meaning 'YOU FOOL, WHAT WERE YOU DOING? YOU ARE SUCH A NOOB!'), and then tackled Hagrid to the ground, pulling out a package. It was a baby wrapped in tea towels, stuffed into one of Hagrid's interior pockets. The baby screamed and slapped Hagrid in the face.

"I think he lost a few brain cells on the way over," said Hagrid, who grinned sheepishly and ran off into the moonlight, tripping over a mysterious pebble, that had a very long, skinny nose. (warning, any foreshadowing in here is purely coincidental, and not in any way related to the real novel DON'T LISTEN TO HIM HE'S A FAKE!)

Sorry, sometimes my mind controls matter. Mind over matter. Actually, more of mind matter. And if you don't know the symbol, I don't know what to say. Just go to school.

"He is such a fat person," said McGonagall.

"Back to business," said Dumbledore.

McGonagall and Dumbledore walked over to 4 Privet Drive, and deposited the little boy upon the cement – headfirst, if I may add. In that little bump he received, he got a scar. Just kidding. I wanted to make something up so that I didn't have to do any more backstory, but I will just do it later. Dumbledore looked at the score and then said.

"Oh my goodness, it's a sign! I am going to decode it." After much hard work and dedication to the task of deciphering the code, Dumbledore gave up. "Stupid me, that was just my brain exiting my head and flying around the universe and stealing Santa's cookies. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

And with that, they walked down to Privet Drive, where there was a little girl who was holding a teddy bear. McGonagall quickly transformed into a cat. The little girl went up to Dumbledore.

"SANTA SANTA why are you here? You're a creep you know, if what they sing in the songs is true. You are a first rate pedophile – whatever THAT means."

"You nasty rotten little bugger of a child, I am going to kill you! AVADA KEDAVRA!"

A light came out of Dumbledore's wand, hit the little girl smack-dab in the face, and she fell to the ground dead. McGonagall shrugged.

"LET'S ROLL!"

**I hope you enjoyed this first chapter of several, I hope. I'll try and keep this regular, but I also have other fanfics in progress. Tell me if it was good, and if you think I am slightly batty, that's ok!**


	2. Chapter 2: Blobs

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Attempt at Making an Interesting Novel

A look at the magical world of Harry Potter, through the eyes of a philosopher who is trying to write a best-seller novel.

**Well, this is chapter 2. I haven't had much time to work on this, and I am working on two other more important ones right now, so this was put on the back burner, but I hope you enjoy. And I hope at least someone is reading this. If you exist and you read this, at least leave a comment like JELLO! at least even if you don't care for this style of narration.**

**Chapter 2: A Young Boy who has Some Issues with Self-Esteem and Everything Else, who Also can Talk to Snakes and Do Other Extremely Strange Things**

**Or**

**Blobs**

"Harry, wake up, it's breakfast! As you are the major protagonist who is being abused by the anti-hero, it is your duty to respond with wither 'No thank you' or 'Shut up, I want to sleep!'" The voice of Aunt Petunia Dursley awakened Harry Potter from his deep and dreamless sleep.

"Shut up Aunt Dodo, I want to sleep," Harry said in a voice that screamed 'I am weak and vulnerable', yet hinted at 'I am the main character and can do whatever I want'.

"OK then Harry, let me just okay the next scene with the narrator, as it could turn out with your death!" shouted Aunt Petunia. Being a bit of a noob, she then proceeded to yell at the top of her lungs: "MR NARRATOR IS IT OKAY IF DUDLEY JUMPS ON TOP OF THE STAIRS WHERE HARRY IS SLEEPING, POSSIBLE KILLING HIM DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE IS UNDER THE STAIRS AND THEY MIGHT FALL ON HIM? I MEAN COME ON, IT'S THE BOY'S BIRTHDAY!" Sighing, I gave the okay for some weird reason, I don't even know why.

"Dudley, come and stomp on the stairs!" said Aunt Petunia. Dudley, a mass of fat (he actually looked like a big green blob), slithered down the stair. Feet suddenly protruded from him, and he started stomping on the stairs. Even before he had the time to jump, his feet slid out from under him and he was sliding down the stairs, headed for Aunt Petunia.

"AHHH!" screamed Petunia. "I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE CRUSHED TO DEATH BY A STUPID, OVERWEIGHT BOY SLIDING DOWN THE STAIRS!"

Harry Potter, a dashingly handsome boy of 10 years who is (what a surprise!) the protagonist in this narrative (and who has a surprisingly distinguishing feature that will be recurring – a scar shaped like a lightning bolt.), walked out from his bedroom (a closet under the staircase) and did a finger wag, quite similar to that of Dumbledore.

"I don't know why I am speaking with a British accent, but Dudley, you are a natural idiot! Did you just see what you did? I'm a normal boy, even more so than you."

"Oh shut up Potty," said Vernon Dursley, the fat boy's father.

"Daddy, I want a pony for my birthday because I am a spoiled brat and the narrator has forced me to say this to set up and support my boring personality! I wish I had been Harry, then I would have had an interesting life. Instead I'm a fat toad who falls down the stairs. BOOHOO! By the way, did you buy me all 26 of my birthday presents?"

Petunia looked at Vernon, who wiggled his stomach. Aunt Petunia rolled her eyes.

"Don't worry Dud the Stud, we got you 35 of them, but not the 36th. You know that that me and your father don't like Justin Beiber, and buying that special poster of him was just… No."

Dudley started weeping, forming a small pool of tears around his chubby rear end. His Mother sighed, hardly able to see a tear come to his eye. She jumped up and ran to him, hugging him and saying "There, there, we'll get you the poster if it's what you really want." She smiled. Dudley jumped up and fist pumped.

"Oh wow, you stupid parents are so gullible." His parent smiled and laughed along with him, not knowing what gullible means. Meanwhile, Harry Potter rolled his eyes and – *facepalm* – ed his face, but got his middle finger stuck in his nose. He tripped over the couch and fell into the fish tank, seizing up, trying to get his finger out of his nose. Why couldn't he do something simple like that once in a while? So, using his unknown magical skills, he restored his HP to 100 and then leveled up to Magical Level 2. Although he didn't know it.

"Harry you stupid idiot wizard person what? I didn't say anything no OK bye," said Aunt petunia, suddenly reddening in her already rosy cheeks. Harry Potter thought, 'My word, she looks positively like a plump, ripe tomato! And by the way readers, I do say tomato like tomawto, so get used to thinking that in your head. And I say potato in the same manner. Wait, you're getting this all down? HELP! CALL THE POLI-'

Well, sorry there, sometimes my characters get out of control and I silence them in… different manners. I won't get into that right now, so I will think up a clever reference.

No, I seem to be failing. Where was I? Oh, yes, Dudley's birthday. Well, after Harry was slapped in the face by Aunt petunia and Uncle Vernon or whatever his face is, and after he lost a bevy of brain cells, adding to his stupidity, they all went to the zoo because a boy like Dudley really wants to go to an indoor zoo I know that makes no sense because he'd rather go somewhere like the mall but WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY! Wow that is one of the largest run-on sentences I have ever written, I hope you enjoyed that because I am never going to write another run-on sentence because that would be stupid, and I am not stupid like Harry potter the character I told you about who is not very smart and yeah and I feel like bursting because I just had a reeeeeallly big cupcake about the size of the Golden Gate bridge and WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOEY! OK sorry it won't happen again.

"Dudley, you are the most stupid person I have ever known in my life – other than me," said Harry Potter as they walked down the zoo aisles. Yeah, I know it's weird, but Dudley and harry were walking together, let's call this When harry met Dudley! But that would make absolutely no sense as they've already met soooooooooooooooo yeah.

"Duh, I am the smartesty person I've ever known except for you – beat that nerdy yoberdy smakalakadingdongwongchong I am Chinese and I am being racist…"

"So technically you are being racist to yourself. Your speech just makes my point even strunger, muggle wuggle. What in the world does that mean? I don't know but as this novel is centered around me, it probably has some big significance like the Conch in lord of the Flies by William Golding!"

**NOTE TO READER IF THERE IS ONE, WHICH THERE PROBABLY WON'T BE ONE OH AND BY THE WAY THIS IS FROM THE EDITOR BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS WEIRD**

We do not endorse William Golding's book, and it is a piece of junk fiction. I mean really, muggles trying to kill each other on an island separated from the rest of society and hanging on to sanity by a thread? If it were real, they would have wands and would be decking each other out with magical spells, PEW PEW PEW!

**END OF NOTE TO READER, AND IF YOU ARE ACTUALLY READING THIS, SEND ME A MILLION DOLLARS**

I told my editor not to put in little messages like this but I guess that's just how it'll be. If you ever want progress in the world, you gotta RISE AGAINST THE POWER! And do you know who the power is? Your mother.

Back to the poorly-constructed narrative.

So, at this point Dudley's head was spinning like a top on a turntable with the lights turned way down low – not that the lights have anything to do with the action, and I want to make this a run-on sentence. Damn you grammar! So, Dudley suddenly squeaked like a mouse being killed by a blob (named Dudley), and the top buttons of his sports coat popped off. Harry Potter, the Potty Pot Potter, got really mad and started using really simple sentences.

"Dudley is bad. I don't like him. What time is it? I like potatoes."

He got so angry that his eyes rolled into the back of his head and suddenly the glass on which Dudley was leaning exploded into four equal pieces. Dudley squeaked like a bunny frolicking in the meadows, and fell into the cage. In that cage was a boa constrictor who liked eating boys very much. This is a completely unrelated story, but it must be told. So I will end this chapter and begin the next one so that I can start fresh. Besides, my Mommy just told me to go to bed at five in the afternoon, so I need to finish my noob exercises. This is awkward.

**Well, I hope you enjoyed this. Remember to read much, review often! Bye!**

**Jello!**


End file.
